Sarah Palin's Split Beaver

OK. I gotzta tell the Truth here. Truth and I are somewhat acquainted and occasionally we slip into the back seat of my car and do the mad-passionate-kissing-face-thingee. Now, see, Truth is a sweet beautiful thing and I love her passionately and all, but there is something in my molecular make-up (or my diet) that prevents me from having a long lasting relationship with the Truth, the Whole Truth, nothing but the Truth. Even if she uses birth control. But I getz this big raging Woody when I think of her half-sister, Half-Truth. Now, that is one crazy bitch who can really spin my radio dial!!! Whoa!

So the Deal is and the Deal ain't but last night I am doing my normal sleep disorder thingee.... livid, lucid,lascivious,lewd,lurid images of the Naked Truth and Half Truth dancing through my head and I wake up, stark raving wide awake. Like, 2:30 AM or something. Didn't bother to put the glasses on to check the time. Now my options are... take a leak, stay up and watch some porn.... or make a note to go to the Doc and have my prostate checked. I opt for the leak and checking email on my cell phone.

Well, SHit&BisQuits.... I gotz an Email from Sarah Palin! WowserS!!! I couldn't have been more surprised than if Santa finally put that goddam pony in my stocking instead his usual lumps of horse-shit!! At first I thought this was a joke. I am a full fledged member of the American Beach Party and wouldn't come close to anything akin of Palinesque Politics.... So whatz this doing in my email box? But there it is..... and I swear it's the Whole Truth, the Half Truth and I am thinking I should have watch porn instead of checking the email!

Dear Friends,

There are so many fundamental decisions that must be made in America to move us forward as a free, safe, and patriotic nation!

Ya.... Sarah.... and the first one is figgerin' out how to remove you from any position of making any decisions and get you back to goddam Alaska. Iffen I want some frozen tasteless rhetoric I can damn well go to my freezer and get out a sack of Birdseye peas!

It's November 16th, and I've finished my book. I've told my story of how I got to where I am, and now I'm eager to move forward. And I want you to join me on the road ahead!

Who finished it??? You??? Boyz&Girlz!!! I don't think you can finish wiping your ass properly....... to say nothing of finishing a book! Now, maybe you finished reading what someone else wrote and you slapped your name on..... but do not Bullshit a Brother of the BRUSH and try to tell me you wrote a book.... and damn, ya know.....I wouldn't join you on any damn road.... I can get lost all by myself, thank you&stuff, doan need no help there!!

Our nation is at a critical crossroads, but the way forward is clear. Ronald Reagan showed us the way.

There you go again with that road shit...... the way forward is clear? What? I didn't hear Reagan say nothing.... that fuck is DEAD!

C. S. Lewis once wrote:

Sarah.... there you go again...... there isn't a man, woman, child, dog, rodent or Cleveland Brown Fan in America that thinks you can read and write!!!! Quit the shit already!!!

We're going to work as Commonsense Conservatives for everyday, hardworking Americans by tackling issues that you care about....

WTF!!!! OK, Sarah.... if you were telling the Truth, or even the Half-Truth... you would know that we know that there are no Commensense Conservatives and all you a fucking interested in is selling your fucking book!!! YOU PUT THE LINK RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EMAIL

SarahPAC is dedicated to this!

"Support Governor Palin's PAC by Donating Below:"

Donate $100 or more and receive a free signed copy of "Going Rogue".

So the real TRUTH..... is you are shilling your book..... and using the tag PAC as a lame facade to do it!

You want the Truth???.... tonight I will NOT eat another Tuna, Peanut Butter and Bacon sandwich.... and if I get up in the middle of the night......... I will watch porn instead of reading another email for SARAH PALIN....... the Truth is porn is more honest than the former Governor of Alaska.

* image shamelessly stolen from pages of old Nat Lampoon